I seem to have spent a lot of time this year well, navel gazing really. For some this may seem indulgent or egotistical, but, it’s just where I am, mentally. I won’t apologise for it. It is what it is. I have often felt out of place, out of sync, out of myself. Unsure about what my purpose is. Not ‘in the world’ but simply ‘in my family’ or ‘in my community’. Where am I? What am I? Who the hell cares? Existential angst if you will. Yes. I am a child of the seventies who came of age in the nineties. Classic Generation X problems.
Thank heavens for my daughter. Even when she drives me up the wall, she grounds me. Today, we were perfectly in sync with each other. I dropped her off at playgroup – she always asks if I am staying today, but never a fuss when I leave, just a happy ‘see you later!’. We both need this time apart and when I return, it is with much happiness, as she shares her artwork and tells me what snack she’s eaten. So this was no different to usual, but afterwards, lunch, cosy cartoon cuddles on the sofa (ahem, slight snooze might have been had), crafting, doing something quietly with our hands, more lazy cuddles as she sat on my knee scoffing malted milk biscuits and drinking milk. Milky biscuity cuddles as we sat curled together in the chair that I nursed her in. I alternately rested my head back in the chair and closed my eyes, and let it rest forward on hers, inhaling her sweaty curls, like puppy dog ears. All day was like this. Our energies seemed to ebb and flow at the same times. We rode those waves together. All was harmonious from the calmness of holding each other quietly, to the energetic delights of dizzy-dancing together in the kitchen.
It felt like a gift.