Lately · Motherhood

Ghosts in the House.

Do all mothers have this feeling when the house is empty? Mister is away and girl-child is at her Grandad’s and I have this empty house and all these hours. I knew it was coming and I’d thought of all the brilliant child-free things I was going to do: knitting, writing, cleaning, baking, studying, crafting, meditating, yoga, Pilates. But now I feel panicked by what to do first. All these things I dream of doing when I don’t have time to do them (well maybe I don’t dream of cleaning ha) and now I have the time, I don’t know where to begin.

Last night when I went to bed, I thought how strange it was not to hear the distant rumble of Mister watching a film downstairs. I went into girl-childs room and closed the curtains, looked at her bed, her things, wondered if she was asleep yet. In the night I awoke a couple of times thinking I could hear her sleepy sighs through the baby monitor.

I’ve always known that I like to be alone. I need to be. At times, I crave it so much it drives me mad to not just have it. So it’s a bit of a mind-boggler to find that when I am alone, I just miss them.

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