I was so angry today.
People who know me, know that I can rant. My anger at things usually comes out as a rant, a door slamming. Or I internalise it (more than is probably healthy), because I know it’s not socially acceptable to behave like a demented teenager.
The last couple of weeks, I’ve felt more angry than I should, because of an off-the-cuff comment from an old friend, who told me her little one napped for 3 hours every day. I laughed it off, and of course, I know my friend is lucky, and I’m not angry with her. But I still felt livid inside, and it seethed – yes, seethed – all day. Every time I thought about it for the next few days, I got really cross about it. Why can’t my baby sleep? I wasn’t even that fussed about the nap thing before that. I was quite stoical – unusual for me, but I was just dealing with it. Accepting it for what it was. A temporary situation that will end. Eventually.
We are advocates of gentle parenting styles – not because we planned it. We tried other things, but the things that we felt most comfortable with, and that worked for our family – well, it turns out, they had a name (of course…) So I try to be empathic towards her, I try to show her that Mummy can meet her upsets with kindness and patience, so that she learns kindness and patience. But lets keep this thing real. Obviously our home is not constantly bathed in the golden light of harmonious happenings. I get cross and frustrated, it’s just part of my character, but being empathic certainly helps to reduce that. But today. I was so cross that she would not nap in her cot. So I put her in the pram and pushed her up the road until she fell asleep. And as I stomped, I was angry with everything and everyone. I cursed the puddles. I had imaginary arguments with innocent passers by. I threw the groceries into the basket as if they were to blame. I dared everybody – ANYBODY – to cross me. Please, just cross me, and then I can shout at you. I can swear at you. I just want to release this vitriol onto anybody as long as it isn’t somebody I love. Nobody crossed me. I was met only with manners and patience today. So I cried instead. And wished for a hug from my Mum. And that’s what made me stop being angry. What always stops me. This baby girl just needs a hug from her Mum too.