I planned to write this post as a review of the weeks events (don’t get excited – ‘events’ is really just another word for ‘shit that happened’) The week started with a visit to the GP to check the little Chicken’s chest had cleared up after a week of antibiotics. It had, and gradually she is sleeping better again as the cough subsides. YAY for antibiotics! (This time…)
And then my mind went completely blank… What have I done all week? The realisation that I had lost 50 hours of my memory came on Thursday when it transpired that the Girl’s shoe had gone missing. At twenty-six pounds a pop I can tell you, I needed my faculties to go into recall mode. They did not. I phoned the supermarket – they must have fallen out of the buggy basket while I was hurriedly hauling it out of the boot on Wednesday afternoon. “we’ll call you back when we’ve checked, they assured me” Lucky for me I was too impatient, and walked to the car park myself and had a look, and checked the lost property. The customer service ‘colleague’ (whose colleague? Mine? What does this mean?) smoothed down her blonde hair and her eyes, optimistically encircled with a youthful thick line of turquoise eyeliner, creased up. “PAH HA HA HA!” she hooted as I told her my plight. I couldn’t feel cross with her, I’ve dealt with her before and she’s what some might call a rough diamond, calls everyone “babe” and “darling” and generally sorts shit out with great humour and efficiency. But she found no shoe. Later that night, having searched high and low, and well, given up, Mister came home and I managed to remember that I had taken her out in the garden one afternoon, and we’d come back inside with only one shoe, but I thought I’d found it in the kitchen. A few minutes later, he reappeared with a very soggy £13-worth of Clarks finest.
Still though, I couldn’t help searching my brain for the missing hours. Where else could I have lost it? I have no idea – seriously. What is up with that? I mourned the loss of my pre-baby brain – the ability to reason-in-action, make decisions, remember stuff…
I spent some time checking my social media activity to see if that jogged any memories. No photos on instagram. No irrelevant but possibly mind-jogging Tweets or Pins. Even perusing everybody else’s history didn’t jog any memories… Er…. Hang on a minute. That IS what I have done all week. God, the shame. The rest of Monday , right through to Wednesday 2pm, is lost in a haze of changing nappies, making baby food, and checking status updates whilst trying my best to hide the phone from the Girl. Like a naughty teenager sat at the back of the classroom, writing notes and secreting them inside pencil sharpeners so teacher doesn’t catch wind of the naughtiness.
Only I’m supposed to be the adult. I’m supposed to show my daughter how to be a proper person. And, for my money, anybody who is trying to secretly check Instagram while I’m trying to talk to them or hang out with them, is a really bad mannered person. This is what having children does. You think you’re an okay person, and then BAM! Baby holds up a high definition mirror in your selfish face and shows you who you really are.
So. Moving forwards. I will set the phone aside (the laptop is out of bounds anyway, unless I want to pay for a hefty repair from her pulling the screen out of joint.) I will set the phone aside and just be with her. No, I’m not going to try and meditate with her or anything. But I think even if she’s seeing me just folding laundry or hoovering (cue feminist outcry…) it is better. Those activities are jobs I do within the home – for the family. As opposed to looking at my phone screen all the time which is a form of escapism – I don’t want to escape her. I want to revel in every moment. The phone also serves me as a procrastination tool. I need to stop looking up what we can do or buy, and just get out of the house with her. Days are wasted because of my poor planning and time management, and part of that is down to time-wasting on the phone! Isn’t modern life crazy?!
Watch this space – I will update in a week or two!